fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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