I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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