He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
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We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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