K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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