I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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