Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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