You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
