I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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