and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Help. Why am I so naked?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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