yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
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I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
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You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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