Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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