Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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