You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
