Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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