he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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