Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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