I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
