When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
