I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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