bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just invented taco cereal.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
