if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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