our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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