i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
