I cut my penus on the lid.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
