Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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