Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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