I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
