and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
