I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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