3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
id be glad to
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
