you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
