Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
