tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
