dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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