I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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