I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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