i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
