Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
