Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
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I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
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Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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