She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
