Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
