What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
