On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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