Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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