What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
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Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding