DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
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