just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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