Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
