I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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