Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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