drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
