You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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