the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I would ride that face into the sunset
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
