New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
