xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
