I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
