In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Of course I have a pirate flag
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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