I showed him my bush... on skype.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
