I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
we're chasing vodka with high fives
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
