What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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